Cultivated box set, p.50
Cultivated Box Set, page 50
part #1 of Cultivated Series
Feeling hungry, I heated a frozen pizza in the oven and brought it to the couch while contemplating how not to scare Jolene away.
It felt like the wolf was pacing inside me, showing me his dirty fantasies of tying Jolene up and hurting her. I stopped chewing and reworded that thought in my head. I’d always used the word hurting her, but after my conversations with Jolene, it was clear to me that the wolf didn’t get off on hurting her; it was about domination and control for him.
Still, if I unleashed the wolf on her, would I be able to control him, or would he overstep her boundaries? For years, I’d hated him and suppressed him. I didn’t trust him, and I couldn’t let him ruin what I had with Jolene.
The shower in the guestroom wasn’t running anymore, which meant that Jolene had probably gone to bed.
More visual fantasies popped into my head about the things he wanted to do to her. I rubbed my face as if I could remove the image of waking her up by sitting astride her chest, trapping her arms along her body with my knees, and face-fucking her until she made gagging sounds and teared up.
Disturbed by the wolf’s depraved fantasy, I headed for the shower, but he still kept showing me more fantasies of dominating her. From experience, I knew that the only way for him to leave me alone would be to indulge in the fantasies while jerking off.
All the time, the fantasies revolved around controlling Jolene sexually. Tying her up and owning her body. The wolf was howling with excitement when he showed me how he wanted to fuck her hard, and then while she was helpless and bound, he’d take off the condom and drop it next to her face on the pillow to underline his complete control of her body.
With one hand on the shower wall and the other rubbing my cock, I played out the fantasy in my mind of seeing the shock on Jolene’s face as I pushed back inside her and took her bareback. I could hear her protests,
“I’m not on the pill. What are you doing? Stop. I’ll get pregnant.”
It only made the wolf growl with arousal. Mine!
With my eyes closed and water raining down my back, I imagined fucking Jolene until her eyes rolled back, and she screamed for more. I would make her moan and whimper into my ear in surrender. The thought of her wet pussy convulsing in orgasmic cramps around my cock as I pushed in and out of her made me moan out loud. In my mind’s eye, I could see her pretty face, with her red cheeks, open mouth, and those fantastic sounds she made when I fucked her. I imagined pressing my cock against her fertile cervix and letting go. The fantasy of her bound and helpless while I filled her with my semen got me off like a rocket.
She’s mine!
Gasping from the violent orgasm I’d just had, I blinked my eyes open. “Fuuuck!”
The wolf had never shown me that particular fantasy about any woman before. Jolene and I had only started sleeping together. If he pulled a trick like that on her — tying her up and going bareback without consent — she would never talk to me again.
After drying off with a towel, I brushed my teeth and went to bed. It was past two in the morning, but all I did was toss and turn.
The wolf was still poking around, wanting to bring Jolene into my bed, repeating the word he already said a million times before; Mine.
Okay, I’ll get her, but then you’ll have to be quiet.
It hit me that I’d never spoken to my wolf before. It made me feel like a crazy person. We had been at war for so long, with me rejecting and suppressing him and him terrorizing me with his fantasies of dominating women.
Pushing the duvet aside, I got out and walked to the guest room. Jolene was on her side with her hands under her cheek.
“Jolene.” I stroked a hand over her arm.
She stirred a little, and without opening her eyes, she answered in a drowsy voice. “Is it morning?”
“No.”
“Is something wrong?” With a yawn, she turned her head and opened one eye to look at me.
“I want you sleeping with me.” Pulling her cover off her, I swooped her up in my arms bridal style and headed back to my room.
Jolene held on to my neck and rested her head against my shoulder. In another yawn, she muttered, “I like it when you carry me.”
My bed was warm from my hour of tossing and turning, and Jolene slid right in, making herself comfortable. I was getting onto the bed when I noticed how she adjusted my pillow under her head and sniffed it with a soft smile on her face. She liked my scent the same way I liked hers. It made my stomach do a series of somersaults.
Getting in behind her, I spooned her with my body and felt calmer from the steady beat of her heart. Jolene intertwined our hands and closed her eyes again.
We were quiet for a few minutes, and then she whispered, “Your thoughts are so loud that now I can’t sleep either.”
I cropped my head up on an elbow. “It’s the jet lag.”
“What’s on your mind?” she asked.
“Don’t ask. The wolf is driving me crazy tonight.”
“Why?”
I sighed. “If I tell you will you promise not to run away?”
Her eyes were half-lidded when she yawned. “I’m far too tired to run anywhere.”
“He keeps…” I covered my eyes with my hand and rubbed my temples.
“Don’t judge him. Just tell me. ”
“He calls you his.”
“His what?”
“Just his.”
Jolene turned her head. “And you don’t like that?”
“Ehh, do you?”
She turned her body to face me, our hands intertwined between us. “Yeah, I like it.”
I lowered my brow. “You don’t think he's possessive?”
“By calling me his? No. I think he’s a man of action and principles.”
“Who, the wolf?” I frowned.
“Yes. We’ve made love several times, and since the wolf represents your repressed sexuality, it makes sense that he has accepted me as his. What is concerning to me is that you seem to fight it. Why?”
I sighed. “You don’t know what’s he’s capable of or the things he wants to do to you. I don’t trust him.”
“What’s the worst he could do to me? I told you I’m up for experimenting. You might not trust him, but I trust you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t.” I let my thumb stroke over her finger. “Are you on the pill?”
“No. Why? Are you out of condoms?”
I shook my head. “No, but tonight he showed me a fantasy that scared me…” I trailed off, but of course, Jolene didn’t let me off the hook.
“Tell me.”
I hesitated. “He wanted to tie you up and have sex with you until you came.”
“I would be up for that.” The edge of her lips lifted in a soft smile.
“Yeah, but it’s the next part that is disturbing.”
She waited for me to elaborate.
“I’m already regretting telling you this…”
“Because you think I’ll never be with you again after you tell me.”
“Yeah, and I wouldn’t blame you.” I tore at my hair. “And yet, I feel compelled to tell you. I think it’s because I’ve battled the wolf by myself for so long, and lately, you’ve helped me figure him out.”
“You can tell me. I won’t judge.”
“Okay.” I braced myself, and then I talked, “He showed me a fantasy of tying you up and having sex with you. In the middle of it, he pulled out, and while looking you straight in the eye, he removed the condom and placed it next to your face on the pillow. You were confused and told him ‘no’ when he penetrated you again without protection. Your reminders that you weren’t on the pill and could get pregnant just aroused him, and all I could hear in my head was mine. And then after you submitted to him and orgasmed, he came inside you bareback.”
Jolene stared at me.
“Well, say something,” I encouraged her because her silence was killing me.
“I’m… I’m… surprised.” She blinked her eyes. “You wanted to have a child with me?”
“No!!”
“The wolf, he’s… he’s a risk-taker, and it was the thought of having complete control over you.”
“How are you so sure he wants control over me and not you?”
“What do you mean? He had you tied up, Jo.”
“Yes, but the wolf is you, Atlas. Remember what you told me that night at the diner? You said that if you ever got a woman pregnant, you’d do the right thing and marry her.”
I gave a single nod.
“You’ve created a coping mechanism of compartmentalizing the unwanted parts of your sexuality and named that part of you the wolf, but what you’re missing is that the wolf is the uninhibited creative part of you. He might be primitive, but with him, everything is simple, and he goes after what he wants. That fantasy you just described seems like a clear message from your subconscious that you want me, and not just for sex. A pregnancy represents a long-time commitment. It represents family. You interpret it as something dirty, but to me, it’s beautiful.”
“Tying you up and coming inside you without consent is beautiful?” I stared at her. “Are you out of your mind?”
Jolene drew in a deep breath. “You forget the part about me submitting and having an orgasm. Obviously, there’s trust and love between us in that fantasy, or I would have struggled. I wish you wouldn’t judge yourself so harshly. Sexual fantasies play with the forbidden, but this one is powerful; it carries a message. Unless…” She scratched her nose.
“Unless what?”
“Is impregnating women in general part of your kink?”
“That’s a hard no. I’ve never had that fantasy before.”
The edge of her lip lifted as she let her finger travel up my arm and shoulder.
“Jo.”
“Mmhh?”
I closed my eyes for a long second before looking deep into her eyes. “You’re not normal. Every time I give you information that would make every other woman freak-out, you turn it upside down and hand it back to me like a nice package with a fucking bow on it.”
We were silent for a moment.
“I wish you would embrace your sexuality.”
I snorted. “Make friends with the wolf. Yeah, you said that already.”
Jolene’s eyes were small slits as she struggled to stay awake. Pulling our intertwined hands up to her lips, she planted a kiss on me, and then she tugged them under her cheek. “I want to talk, but I’m so tired.”
“It’s okay. Go to sleep.” I used my free hand to lift the duvet higher on her body and brush hair from her face.
It didn’t take long before her breathing was deep and steady.
As I watched her sleep, I was awestruck by how much she trusted me. Why was it that she trusted me more than I trusted myself?
I knew the answer to my question intuitively; Jolene trusted herself to be right about me.
Rolling onto my back, I stared up at the ceiling. The wolf was calm now, but as I directed my attention to him, he growled low. Jolene is mine!
I smiled, and then I muttered into the night. “Yeah, I know wolf, I love her too.”
CHAPTER 24
The Trouble with Trauma
Jolene
“I’m sorry that we didn’t get a chance to talk yesterday. My days have been too crammed with testing,” Diane said as she walked into the office on Thursday afternoon. “I wanna hear all about Ireland and your interviews, but first, tell me how your head is doing.”
“It’s fine.”
“And how do you feel emotionally?”
I tilted my head and thought about it. “There’s been moments of what the hell happened, but for the most part, I’ve been so distracted that I’ve managed to not think too much about Niklavs.”
Diane picked her bag up from the floor and rummaged through it only to pick out a Snickers. “What about the interviews? Did you get something useful out of Atlas’ siblings?”
I pointed to my computer. “I’m going over my notes right now. It was five very different interviews, and I’m amazed at how differently they’re coping or not coping with what happened to them.”
Brian, who was sitting across from me, looked up. “Not coping; what do you mean?”
“Well, it’s pretty clear that they all struggle in one way or the other, but instead of doing intense therapy, they’re numbing themselves in different ways to avoid thinking about it.”
“Classic.” Diane took a bite of her Snickers. “But that’s not unique to cult survivors. We all do that.”
“Yes, and I think that’s what stood out to me. The trouble with trauma is that it’s easy to blame your problems on it, and by doing so, you’re using it as an excuse.”
“My sister is like that,” Brian informed us. “She was twelve when she rode her bike to our grandma’s house and found her dead. Now she dates the worst scum and blames it on her fear of dying alone.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Seeing your grandmother dead made your sister afraid of dying alone.”
Brian rocked in his chair and placed his hands behind his head. “Maybe it wasn’t so much that she was dead but the fact that it was a warm summer that year and she had been dead for more than a week. The nasty smell of death, the flies, and the maggots coming out of her eyes were probably the worst part.”
“Brian!!” Diane picked up her trash can and spat out the mouthful of Snickers that she’d been chewing on. “Why would you tell us that when I’m eating?”
“Did your sister tell you that or did you make it up?” I questioned.
“Okay, so maybe the part about the maggots was to make it more interesting, but there were definitely bugs.” He grinned. “I didn’t know you’d be so sensitive. I eat my dinner in front of the TV every night, and my favorite shows have forensic experts digging around in…”
“I don’t want to hear what they dig around in,” Diane complained and shook her head. “No wonder your poor sister was traumatized from seeing her dear grandmother in a state of decomposition.”
“Yes, but Jolene is right. My sister’s childhood trauma has been her excuse for years. Every time one of her loser boyfriends mistreats her, she brings it up.”
“Hmm.” I tapped my lip. “It would be interesting to map out the mindset that it takes to overcome trauma. What kind of grit would you have to summon up to keep going?”
“A lot. For my sister to put her key in the door and go into her house, knowing that her physically and mentally abusive boyfriend is in there, man, I couldn’t do it.”
“No, Brian. We already know she does it out of fear. But why is the trauma of seeing her dead grandmother stronger than being abused by her boyfriend? What would it take for her to power through and kick the losers out despite her fear of dying alone?”
“Yes, or for someone to get on a plane after being in a plane crash,” Diane added. “Or take a risk at love after having their hearts broken.”
“Right!” I nodded. “That’s the mindset component we should hone in on — because we can’t take away people’s trauma, but what if we could map out a formula for how to overcome it? You brought up love, Diane, and that would give us a huge test population to study. What does it take to conquer one’s fear and trauma and take another chance on love after having your heart broken because of infidelity or some other betrayal?”
“What other betrayals are there in love?” Brian asked.
Diane had her chair turned toward us. “I can give you a whole list from my personal life. There was the guy who turned out to be gay and only used me for a place to stay. Then there was another boyfriend who stole my credit card and disappeared before I could report him. I’ve had my heart broken plenty of times, but thank God that I didn’t give up or I wouldn’t have met Jared. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I clapped my hands together. “Brilliant example. Thank you, Diane.”
She smiled. “I would love to talk more about this, but I have an email to answer before I run out of here. Jared is cooking lasagna tonight, and I promised to pick up a bottle of wine on my way home.” Diane rolled her chair back to her computer.
“Sounds lovely. I have a long to-do-list myself,” I said. “This morning, I got a new phone number, and I need to check in with everyone back home to make sure they get it and to give them an update on the ordeal with Niklavs.”
“When is Atlas coming in?” Brian asked with his hand on his mouse and his eyes on his screen.
Diane and Brian still had no idea about the turn my relationship with Atlas had taken.
“He had pressing matters at Solver Industries that needed his attention,” I said and focused on my screen again.
Last night Atlas and I had both been exhausted from our first day back from Ireland, but we had still made love on his couch. Every time I sat down today, my sore bottom reminded me that Atlas’ apartment allowed him the privacy to be rougher with me than he had been back in Ireland. I enjoyed our role-playing. It turned me on to see him assertive and domineering.
“I’m getting out of here.” Diana closed down her computer and picked up her jacket. “How about you two?”
“Yup. I can hear my TV and couch calling my name,” Brian said and stretched his arms like a lazy cat.
“I’ll stay a little longer. I have meetings to schedule and some emails to answer.”
“All right.” Diane turned at the door. “We’ll see you tomorrow then. Remember to lock up when you leave.” She held the door open for Brian, who grabbed his jacket and left without a backward glance.
I went back to work. As soon as I’d answered the last ten emails in my inbox, I would go back to Atlas’ place, buy a take-out pizza for us, and sit all night on the couch, updating my contacts with my new phone number.
I had gotten through four emails when the door buzzer sounded. At this time of night, our entrance doors to the office building were locked. Thinking it might be a late delivery, I picked up the phone and pressed the button to speak to the person outside. “Hello.”
“Jolene?” a female voice asked.
“Yes. Who is this?”
“It’s Velna. I need to talk to you.”
