Saving secrets, p.23
Saving Secrets, page 23
And two didn’t come back.
Eli’s body wasn’t recovered. Aden blamed himself. Aden couldn’t carry both Tommy and Eli to the medivac, so he chose the one who was alive, and prayed he could return for Eli’s body. But the rebels converged on the area before he returned. Aden didn’t stand a chance against them, and veered north to fulfill his promise to Eli. To find us. To get Rhea back. And he did. Because of that promise, I would be eternally grateful to both men.
In Conrad’s office, Rhea stood between me and him, creating a barrier from Conrad like she could shield me from whatever he was about to say. Her fierce loyalty almost made me smile. She hadn’t left Tommy or Aden’s side on the ship, not even to shower. The doctor examined her shoulder and put it in a true sling. The medical team said she needed rest after listening to her lungs and heart. She scoffed at that. And then stood watch over all of us even more closely, like if she didn’t keep an eye on us we’d disappear.
When the doctors cleaned the lacerations on my face, wrists, and ribs, she stood over them, handing them gauze or saline, or moving the small light so they could sew up the bullet hole in my arm. When Aden asked for Chloe, she wrestled a satellite phone out of a lieutenant’s hand, not so politely telling him to stick his radio silent rule up his ass.
Then she called Tommy’s mom and held the phone for him while his mother cried and cursed in Hungarian. Lastly, she came to me and asked who I wanted to call. I had to be honest, I didn’t want my sisters to know how close we’d come to not going home. So I told her I’d call them when we got back.
I overheard her talk to Nicky for a few minutes. She didn’t say anything about the trip, the mission, or even me. It was a check-in phone call to make sure Nicky didn’t need anything. She hung up with a promise to see her in a few days back in San Diego. Rhea swore nothing would keep her away.
“You’re going to San Diego for a few days?” I asked, sitting on the medical cot while someone dug a needle into my rib cage. The numbing solution stung more than the actual stitching. I didn’t need the stitches. But I needed Rhea.
“For a few weeks to be with Nicky,” she sighed.
“Then you’re coming back to Nashville?”
“Uh, no. I don’t know where I’ll go after that. My contract is up here, and,” she rubbed her eyes, “I need a job, so I’ll go where there’s an open position.”
“You’re leaving for good?” How would I be able to go back to a life without her? A few weeks, and now I couldn’t imagine a day without her by my side. But she acted like this was written in stone. It had been her plan from the beginning to come here, wreck my world, and leave.
“I… I’m sorry. I can’t talk about this right now.” Her eyes were rimmed red, glazed with tears she’d cried for Eli. How could I lose both of them on the same day? This was worse than my nightmares. This was kissing an angel in hell and watching her walk away. How could she leave me alone without her?
Aden waved me over before I could wrap her up in my arms, tie her to a cot, and demand she stay exactly where she belonged. With me.
I closed the curtain around Aden’s small makeshift room. “You explain to the munchkin the situation?”
Aden nodded. “Chloe’s going to meet me at the AMN medical wing. These assholes demanded a forty-eight-hour evaluation or some bullshit because of head trauma. But damn, it was good to hear her voice. I wasn’t so sure on this one, man.”
Victor had tried to take his head off. One severe concussion, significant dehydration, a flesh-eating rash on both his legs, and twenty stitches later should require more oversight than a few days. “I should have never left you with Victor,” I said. “I knew something was wrong with him, and I pushed it aside.” I’d thought it was my own past issues making me distrustful. But it wasn’t me. It had been Victor who I should have doubted, not myself.
“You didn’t know. None of us did. Shit.” Aden shook his head. “It makes you rethink every interaction with him. We didn’t see how much he hated us.”
“It wasn’t us. It was mainly me. He swore I killed Payton because I was jealous of him. I didn’t. I loved Payton.” Every day since Payton died, I begged for it to be me instead of him. And no one answered my prayers. Now, maybe I could live with him as my ghost. It wasn’t his blood I felt on my hands this past year. It was my guilt. That was the reason I never tried to talk to Payton. Now I could hear him, and with his voice, the guilt slipped away like sand in an hourglass. “I won’t let my past affect my judgment moving forward. I’m letting it go.”
Aden slapped my shoulder. “Good to see you free yourself from your own cage, Reginn. I was afraid you’d quit before you forgave yourself.”
“I almost had. This mission was going to be my last for AMN. But I can’t leave you with Tommy and the new guys. Chloe says I have to keep you from getting old and accidentally forgetting if you loaded your magazine.”
“I’m concussed, not old! You need me, asshole.” He almost hit my side.
“Watch it. Those are broken,” I yelped.
“There’s going to be a lot more things broken if you don’t find a way to keep our hotshot helicopter pilot.”
“Shhh,” I said. “This is a curtain, not a concrete wall. Keep your damn voice down.”
“Why? You’re being silent enough for all of us? What are you doing, Reginn?”
“I’m letting her make her own decisions.”
“That doesn’t sound like you. Don’t do that. That’s a horrible plan. Do what you always do. Careen your way into getting what you want, then turn on the charm, letting her think it’s her idea.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“You were looking for a lucky charm. I don’t think you’re going to find a better one than that woman.”
“If she’s not ready, then nothing I do will make a difference.” She had to be willing to reach for me without using Max as a safety net. I didn’t know if she’d want to choose this life. A life with me. It wouldn’t be a walk in the park. It’d be entering into another life of high risk and low visibility into the future.
Aden laid back onto the cot. “Fine. But Eli would be disappointed in you. He thought you two were perfect for each other.”
“No, he didn’t. Not to speak ill of the dead, but he wanted to get into her pants.”
Aden chuckled then I saw the tears he held back. “No, he didn’t, man. He was the decoy. He baited you, trying to get you to make a move. Day one, he saw the same thing we all did. You wanted Rhea.” Aden shook his head. “The Mexican restaurant. Him asking if he could go for it with her in the loading bay. The dancing. I’m going to miss him.”
“Me too.” I didn’t know everything he’d done for me until it was too late… that sneaky bastard.
Now I stood in front of Conrad, waiting for his questions, his interrogation. He’d want to know how I couldn’t have seen Victor’s flip coming. In truth, he hid it well. And I hadn’t trusted myself. That wasn’t an excuse, but it was the only answer I could give.
“I won’t pussy foot around it. There will be a full investigation into Victor and the events over the past few weeks. We have repeatedly attempted to contact Eli’s family. It’s only a half-brother as his next of kin, and we can’t get in touch. I know you both want to pay your respects, so I will let you know when we make contact.” Conrad raked his fingers through his hair. I’d never seen him disheveled; it made today so much more surreal.
“Sir, I take full responsibility for Eli and the failure of the mission.”
“No. I do. Victor and Eli are my burden to bear, not yours,” Conrad said. “I’m putting you on a three-week leave until the investigation is over. Then I want to start doing things differently. Reginn, you will select your team. We’ll spend longer vetting our interpreters, even those with perfect records. We won’t make this mistake again.”
“I agree, sir. But I was wrong. Rhea is the reason any of us made it home.”
Rhea stepped forward. “That’s not true. I crashed a helicopter that should’ve made it over the mountain range. It’s—”
“She flew because I demanded it, despite her judgment call.”
“We didn’t have a choice. We had to get out of there. I should’ve gone north, despite possible rebel detection. I chose the wrong flight path.”
“Enough! I liked it better when you hated each other.” Conrad picked a file off the table, meeting Rhea’s stare. “The final half of your payment and the file we agreed to. I’m afraid the details are lacking in delicacy, but the entire classified write-up is there.”
Rhea handed the file back to him. “Thank you. But I can’t accept this.”
Conrad didn’t make a motion to grab the file. “You completed our originally agreed cargo drop weight. You earned your answers and your money.” Conrad leaned back onto his desk, watching her carefully. “You don’t want the truth, Rhea?”
I realized what the file held. I was in the middle of something I shouldn’t see—Rhea’s past. Conrad wanted me to understand it though. This wasn’t an accident. He wanted me to see Rhea’s reaction to the file. I loathed the man and thanked him at the same time.
Rhea tucked the file under her arm. “Truth doesn’t change the past.”
“Read it anyway,” I said.
Rhea turned to me. “What? You know what this is?”
“I have a good guess. I also know you were willing to risk your life for it, so you should read it. Then decide what you want to do.” If she was going to choose me, if I was going to have a chance at a future with her, then she needed to read that file.
Rhea flicked her eyes between me and Conrad. “Thank you.” She opened the door and walked out.
Somehow that was not how I planned on fighting for her, but it seemed like the right way to do it. To give her the chance to say goodbye to her ghost.
#
RHEA
WHEN I WALKED OUT OF Conrad’s office, I didn’t know where I was going. I knew I had to leave. I couldn’t read this file in front of Conrad’s peering eyes. Or Reginn’s sympathetic stare. What if everything in here changed the memories of Max? I hadn’t thought about that. Would how he died affect the way he made me feel when he was alive?
I opened the closest door and shut it behind me. A few brooms, a dust pan, and cleaning supplies littered the small closet. I couldn’t wait any longer. I could’ve chosen a different room, or made a sweet memorial with candles, or read it anywhere other than a janitor’s closet. But I wasn’t in the mood for patience.
I flipped open the folder.
June 10, 2019
Maxwell
The door behind me popped open. “What are you doing in here?” Stacy yelled. Her eyes were bloodshot. Her mascara caked black streaks under her eyes. And her tangled hair was in a knot on top of her head. Her voice throbbed with sadness.
“Reading. You?” I whispered with the same pain in my throat.
“Avoiding.” The puffiness in her face made her look years younger than she probably was. “You want to hide in here alone?”
I thought about it for a second before reaching out my hand and sliding over a bucket for her to sit on. “No.”
She shut the door behind her, hiked up her pencil skirt, and thunked down on the bucket. “Please tell me there are dirty photos in those files.”
I smiled. She was just the person to read this with. “Nope.”
“A naughty short story with a little tie me down, tie me up?”
“No. Is that what people do in these closets?”
“Why else is the janitor’s closet unlocked at 9AM? It’s not Narnia,” she winked and a hanging fake eyelash fell off, “it’s usually much better.”
“Wow. Am I about to bum you out.”
Stacy’s face fell. “What are you doing in here then?”
“Reading the final mission profile of my husband Max.” I swallowed. “He died three years ago.”
“Oh shit, no!” Stacy stood up. “Why’d you let me barge in here? Are you fucking crazy? You should be doing this in a bathtub with a glass of chardonnay where you can cry your tears and be drunker than Tyrion Lannister before he goes to war.”
I seized her wrist before she could leave. “You read it.” I shoved the file into her abundant breasts.
“Me? Nooo. See, I am already drunk. You don’t want me to ruin your…”
“My what? It’s a stolen classified file. There isn’t any nostalgia. Just secrets I don’t want to live my life wondering about anymore. Read it out loud, please?” I peered into her glassy eyes. “I don’t care if you slur your words.”
“I’m doing this because I like you. And Eli would’ve said I was a bitch if I didn’t.”
“For Eli?” I said, lifting the front cover open.
“No.” She flipped to the first page. “For Max.” She skimmed her finger down the first page. “Here we go.” She held my hand, steadying her words, reading each with the weight we both knew it contained.
The words were blunt, mostly military terms and jargon used by his team. But the final paragraph of the entire write-up was perfectly clear as Stacy squeezed my hand. “Special Operator one’s decision to return to the center of town to obtain two wounded pilots was communicated at 0400. Upon reaching target at 0500, the pilots were rendered killed in action. Special Operator one called in a final airstrike on his position. His efforts are believed to have ceased the advance of enemy fighters in the area, allowing two platoons to extract without further casualties…”
“Sounds like one hell of a man, chica.” Stacy kissed the top of my head.
“He was. He really was. Max saved them, and that’s what they kept a secret. He shouldn’t have been there, but he wouldn’t turn away from his friends. He didn’t want to leave the downed pilots who’d come to rescue his team.”
Stacy wiped my face with the front of her pink Prada shirt. “But where does that leave you, my little fly girl?”
“I loved him, and I will love after him because my life matters too.”
“Good for you, fly girl.” Stacy pulled a bottle of Bailey’s from her purse. “I was going to sneak Tommy some coffee. Want to come?”
I looked at Stacy’s outfit with my snot running down the front, and now she’d lost both of her fake eyelashes. “You’re a good friend. Don’t let the guys say otherwise. You,” I patted my hand over her heart, “are one hell of a woman, you know that?” I grabbed the bottle and took a quick sip before placing it back into her hand. “Go be with Tommy before his mom gets here.”
“Join me later if you want. It’s always happy hour when Stacy’s around.”
I didn’t doubt it for a moment. Stacy, the one-woman cheerleading squad. Screw that. She’s the AMN mascot.
Stacy stepped out of the closet, leaving me alone with the file. With my ghost.
Max wouldn’t have left me unless he knew I’d be okay without him. He was always there to pick up the pieces when I did something crazy, and foolish, and way too risky to be good for my health. He had protected me in the sky. He had led my wolf back to me. But did that mean Max wouldn’t be with me anymore? Was this his way of goodbye?
“What do I do now, Max?”
“Live, Re. You love every adventure, every moment in the sky, every happiness you can find without looking back.”
“What about you?”
“Time to fly without me, love.”
I was afraid to be without him. Without my friend. Without his voice. But if I wanted a real risk, a real future, I needed to live for me, not my ghost. “Goodbye, Max.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
RHEA
I STOOD IN FRONT OF MY car in the AMN parking lot. I’d cried myself out.
Staring down at the piece of junk, I fumbled for the key. It had to be somewhere in the depths of my bag. And yet it’d vanished along with all of my will to be alone.
I sensed a presence behind me.
“Did you find what you needed?” Reginn asked. He leaned against a concrete pillar with a guarded look on his bruised face. How did the man manage to be that gorgeous after taking such a beating? He stood feet away from me, but it could’ve been an entire mountain by the way he didn’t reach for me.
“I did.” I paused to consider my words carefully. “Max will always be the first man I loved. And I’m grateful for every day we had together. But I… I want to live every part of my life without looking in the past.” My fingers rooted over the key fob. Part of me wished I hadn’t found it because now I didn’t want to leave.
I tapped the button and watched the headlights flash as the door unlocked.
Reginn flicked his somber eyes to the car. I could feel his hesitation. His uncertainty. Or maybe it was mine.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” I took in the full spectrum of my situation. “A hotel. Somewhere near here for the night.” Or maybe the back of my car until I have enough energy to drive to see Nicky. “I guess this is it.” I avoided his stare. What if he was relieved? What if this was what he was waiting on? “Wow. I didn’t mean for that to sound so morbid. Bad joke. Too soon.” I took a deep breath, trying to ease the tension between us. “I’ll be back for Eli’s memorial in a few weeks, or whenever his brother wants to have it.”
I put my hand on the door.
I needed Reginn to tell me it was real for him.
Everything we’d talked about in the cave seemed more of a dream than a plan. Like a promise made by a child to never stop believing in fairy tales. And it’s all just foolish. But I didn’t feel foolish. I felt like I’d found something. And now we were caught between the cave of dreams and real life. I feared he didn’t feel what I did anymore. Once the dust settled, did he regret what he’d said? I’d said I loved the man! But maybe he forgot about that.
“You could come home with me.” Reginn took a slow step forward. He still didn’t reach for me. He hadn’t touched me since we left the helicopter. Since Eli. And Conrad. The trip home had been a blur inside a ship, three planes, and one long, silent car ride. I assumed he needed space. His silence over the past day said more than his offer. He didn’t want me to come. He was asking out of necessity.
